Open prayer to Jesus, our Big Brother

It's 12:02 AM, still not sleepy but getting there, I just wanted to write this short letter to you based on conversations that I had with my friend Jim about You.

Back in my high school, I accepted You out of fear, knowing that if I didn' t receive you into my heart, I was going to be condmened to damnation. Fast-forward to now, I honestly feel that I didn't ask you to come into my heart the right way ( si se puede decir asi),  I do want to seek You, since I feel empty without You, life is certainly miserable, but I also think that I asked you to come in into my life for the wrong reasons, having a "hell-free" insurance card seems like a horrible way to accept You, since in the end I keep fucking around and doing shit that am not supposed to do.

Savior, Friend, Redeemer, Amazing Grace, is there a better way to have a better relationship with You? I think so, accepting just because am "hell-free" is not a good way to know a friend and a Savior. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, and love, and self-discipline." 2 Tim 1:7.... I'm still trying to figure out how to Talk to You....not out of fear, but out of LOVE, it is honestly hard, and worst when I wish to hear Your voice..even though I feel afraid...you understand. I'm so tired of seeing this billboards that all they say is about judgment making You the Big Bad God, who is going to destroy everything.  I try not to listen or even see that, makes my stomach tremble and my mind gets troubled. But I do have to say, that because You provided me with amazing friends, am able to feel to feel at least some comfort in my heart, but I guess I feel a bit damaged since it's so hard for me to pray to You, I have become quite lazy and I know that without any communication, our connection is broken.


In essence, this is an open letter to You, am writing in the most honest way possible, pardon my foul language, but to be frank, You know that am screwing things up around here, and You know the obvious reasons.


I guess my spiritual side is kicking in, but I do know that my libidous side will come out soon and that's when I will try to forget You. That's the part that makes me feel a bit sad, knowing that I get those spiritual periods, but then my other side comes out. 


I do want to say, that two topics that I enjoy reading and watching, is spirituality and sexuality, and that's why I consider myself as someone who is struggling in learning how to love You, but at the same time feeling open about her EROS side. Is so much easier for me to lust after someone or an individual, but so difficult to Talk to You about my problems and issues in my life. 

I'm ending this small letter written to You, with these thoughts, I know that You can't force me to Love you, since it will defeat it's purpose, since you don't obligate or demand that someone loves you, is a choice. I only want to make the right choices, Let me discover You in a different way, since hell and brimstone, isn't working for me. 


Gracias Jesus!